25 Things You’ll Never Hear in the South

1. Let’s wash the car.
2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
3. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
4. You can’t feed that to the dog.
5. That’s enough ketchup on those eggs.
6. No kids in the back of the pickup!
7. Wrasslin’s fake.
8. That Civil War documentary was excellent.
9. That aroma? I’m baking fresh bagels.
10. I’ve got a problem with people who still fly the Confederate flag.
11. Here are my keys, I’m too drunk to drive.
12. Baby… Those jeans are too tight.
13. Don’t tie it on top of the car.
14. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
15. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Why’d you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt?
17. Don’t spray primer there…
18. Put that dog on a leash!
19. New York City’s an ideal place to vacation.
20. My mobile home is clean AND storm proof.
21. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
22. I wouldn’t drive an American make if you paid me.
23. I ain’t riding with you unless both headlights work.
24. It’s January, take the Christmas lights down.
25. Checkmate!