30 Things to Do at Wal-Mart

1. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
4. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
5. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
6. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ‘I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,’ and see what happens.
7. Play with the automatic doors.
8. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ‘Who BUYS this crap, anyway?’
9. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a ‘test drive.’
10. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ‘Wow.Magic!’
11. Put M&M’s on layaway.
12. Move ‘Caution: Wet Floor’ signs to carpeted areas.
13. Test the fishing rods and see what you can ‘catch’ from the other aisles.
14. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, ‘…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!’
15. TP as much of the store as possible.
16. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
17. Play with the calculators so that they all spell ‘hello’ upside down.
18. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ‘Red Rover!’
19. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ‘Do you have any Shnerples here?’
20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
21.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
22. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
23. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission: Impossible.’
24. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
25. Say things like, ‘Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?’
26. Set up a ‘Valet Parking’ sign in front of the store.
27. Two words: ‘Marco Polo.’
28. In the auto department, practice your ‘Madonna’ look with various funnels.
29. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
30. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ‘No, no! It’s those voices again!’

25 Things You’ll Never Hear in the South

1. Let’s wash the car.
2. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
3. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
4. You can’t feed that to the dog.
5. That’s enough ketchup on those eggs.
6. No kids in the back of the pickup!
7. Wrasslin’s fake.
8. That Civil War documentary was excellent.
9. That aroma? I’m baking fresh bagels.
10. I’ve got a problem with people who still fly the Confederate flag.
11. Here are my keys, I’m too drunk to drive.
12. Baby… Those jeans are too tight.
13. Don’t tie it on top of the car.
14. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
15. Trim the fat off that steak.
16. Why’d you cut the sleeves off your t-shirt?
17. Don’t spray primer there…
18. Put that dog on a leash!
19. New York City’s an ideal place to vacation.
20. My mobile home is clean AND storm proof.
21. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
22. I wouldn’t drive an American make if you paid me.
23. I ain’t riding with you unless both headlights work.
24. It’s January, take the Christmas lights down.
25. Checkmate!

Questions that haunt me

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

The North and the South

I got this today from a friend of mine in email and thought I’d share with you!

The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has NASCAR.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: – If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store…..do not buy food at this store.

Remember, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s” is plural possessive

Get used to hearing “You ain’t from round here,are ya?”

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big’ol,” truck or big’ol” boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that “He needed killin.” is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ‘em biscuits.

Let’s play Truth or Dare

Here are the rules…..YOU get to ask me three questions. No matter how silly, random, or totally outrageous they are…I have to answer them. ANYTHING GOES!

The dare part….I DARE YOU…post this on your page….if you ask the Truth questions….you have to take the dare!

Let’s play….I dare ya!