Today’s thoughts

What’s today’s thoughts you ask? Well it seems my relationship is still not quiet right but he is trying and he went back to work today after being off for 7 days of vacation! Boy, was I glad when that door shut when he went out! I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but damn, we get on each other’s nerves when we are around each other all the time!

I am still not “in love” with him as I use to be. It seemed that the love was killed over a long amount of time and I just don’t know if I can get it back. I do love him, but I am not in love with him.

I asked him if he wanted the link to my blog and he said no. I took it that he wasn’t interested in what I had to write since he DOES know that I express myself better in words than I do vocal. Oh well, his loss.

So with that being said, I’m about to call it a night. I have a dentist appointment at 8AM and I am not looking forward to it as I may lose another tooth in the process. Maybe I should just have all my teeth pulled and get dentures!! Yeah right!

Have a great Friday folks!

Kyra

Thoughts

Yeah, I can whine because this is MY page!!!!

Some of you know I have been involved in a relationship for almost 3 years. There have been ups and downs of this relationship, just like any marriage or any couple goes through. I can understand that part as life is full of all kinds of trials for couples to endure. What happens when you feel like giving up and you do not want to go any further in said relationship? What happens when you totally fall out of love with a person?

Yes, I know the answer to that question is to talk to him and tell him EXACTLY how I feel. I’ve done that and his reply is “I don’t want you to leave” even though I feel it would be the best thing to do! He owns no furniture in the apartment, except for an entertainment center and a couple of bookcases and of course a computer desk. I, on the other hand, have living room furniture, bedroom suite, computer desk, dishes, pots and pans, etc. Why should I have to move since I have more stuff? He says it’s because I want to leave and that HIS name is on the lease. We are under no lease at the present and I was listed on the lease as Occupant!!!

My friends are really great as I can talk to them and the reply is “We will stand by you whatever your decision is.” So I am not pushed either way, but I still want or should I say need someone to tell me what they would do and how they would go about it. I was told over this weekend that the car I did not want back at April, 2006, but signed the note for him to have a car to drive back and forth to work, that I was being used, or his words, “Your credit was being used”. I look at this, USED is being USED, no matter what it is!!! I can not AFFORD this car if we separate as he is making the payments on it, but he doesn’t want it in HIS name because if I leave, HE can not afford the payments on it.

My solution on that problem? I am filing bankruptcy and the car goes!!! I refuse to be held responsible for something I did not want or need. When the bank comes to repossess the car, I won’t have a car to drive as the car I use to have, I sold to pay for a washer and dryer that I needed because he felt that it was ok for me to lug the laundry back and forth to the laundry mat, even I complained so much about the backache from standing to fold the clothes. He had a big problem when I bought the washer and dryer, saying “We can’t afford it”, well it was awful freaking funny that we could afford a $432 car payment before I had it refinanced about seven months ago and it dropped to $375.

I am really at a lost end on what to do or how to go about it. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Please don’t worry about offending me, it’s hard to do!

Have a great Sunday!
Kyra

Birthdays

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Yep, another year has rolled by and today is my birthday! I remember when I could not wait for my birthday to come. Now it seems it comes way too soon! You wanna know how old I am? I am one of those women that don’t mind telling her age, I am 52 years old today.

I do have plans for the evening with a home cooked dinner from my best friend and her cousin, complete with a birthday cake! I am excited about that, because I will be with those that mean so much to me. You ask if it will be a family get together? Afraid not this time, they are not family, they are my best friends and partner. I do not come from a very close knit family.

Oh, I might get a call from my sister and one of my niece’s today, but that’s about it. I really don’t like to “celebrate” this day as I really feel that a birthday celebration should be done for children. You know what I am saying, a birthday party at Chucky Cheese or somewhere like that.

What this writing is really about is last night, the day BEFORE my birthday. I was visiting with my best friend and her cousin as we get together once or twice a week. Upon getting ready to leave, I heard my best friend’s cousin say “Give it to her now” and I immediately looked at my best friend and told her that she had better not bought me a birthday present. She replied to me and said “No, I didn’t BUY you anything, but I DO have something I want to give you”.

She left the room and came back in a few minutes. I was seated at the end of the sofa and she came back and told me to “Close your eyes and hold out your hand”. I closed my eyes, held out my right hand. I felt something thing like a chain and she told me to open my eyes. What I saw was absolutely beautiful. She had given me one of her family heirlooms as a token of our friendship. It was a genuine heart-shaped ruby pendant.

I know the picture is not very clear as I just took it myself. It does show the ruby and the little pendant on the left is 1/2 of a BEST FRIEND pendant that my best friend, Melisa and I share. I wear the BEST and Melisa wears the FRIEND pendant. I cried when she told me that her grandmother wore this pendant and she wanted me to have it, because she wants me to know how much she cares about me. I am truly honored to have this wonderful lady in my life as my best friend. I love you Melisa!!!

Monday, 5:40am

Here I sit, another sleepless night, so what better thing to do than blog a bit. What’s the subject this time? Who knows!!! Hold that thought and let me grab a Pepsi! Perhaps I shall talk about why I am not sleeping to give those that do not know me some insight on why I have these sleepless nights.

It all started on June 1, 1989, a very hot summer day and I was outside working. I remember picking up the mortar hoe as I saw the mortar was getting a little thick and it was time to add some water to it and stir it up, kind of like making a cake. I did about one good stir and I heard something “pop” in my back and I almost dropped to my knees. After visiting a doctor, I found out that I had a “bulging disk” and at that time, I did not need surgery unless it ruptured. Within six months, the disk ruptured.

My first surgery was a spinal laminectomy at L5-S1 in January 1990. This procedure is for treating spinal stenosis by relieving pressure on the spinal cord. A part of the lamina (a part of the vertebra) is removed or trimmed to widen the spinal canal and create more space for the spinal nerves. In June, 1996, I had another laminectomy at level L4-L5, but I still had lower back pain.

I lived with the pain as long as I could until March, 1997 when I had a posterior lumbar fusion at L5-S1. A posterior fusion surgery is typically performed through an incision in the lower back, with removal of the disc and placement of hardware (cages) and bone graft where the disc material has been removed. This approach may include a large amount of trauma to the muscles, a long hospital stay, and may at times be associated with a fair amount of blood loss. However, in cases where there is a lot of instability, a posterior fusion surgery can be necessary as it provides the greatest amount of stability. A few days later the pain came back.

I had test after test and saw doctor after doctor to try to find out what was wrong. It was in August of 2006, I found the answer. The disc at level L-4-L-5 has gas in it and it needs a fusion. The doctor that gave me this information stated it would be beneficial to put rods and screws in my back with a Posterolateral gutter fusion surgery. In a posterolateral gutter fusion, the surgical approach to the spine is from the back through a midline incision that is approximately three inches to six inches long. First, bone graft Most spineis obtained from the pelvis (the iliac crest). surgeons work through the same incision to obtain the bone graft and to perform the spinal fusion.

Next, the harvested bone graft is laid out in the posterolateral portion of the spine. This region lies on the outside of the spine and is a very vascular area, which is important because the fusion needs blood to supply the nutrients for it to grow. A small extension of the vertebral body in this area (transverse process) is a bone that serves as a muscle attachment site. The large back muscles that attach to the transverse processes are elevated up to create a bed to lay the bone graft on. The back muscles are then laid back over the bone graft, creating tension to hold the bone graft in place.

After spine fusion surgery, the body engages in a natural process to repair itself, which usually means growing bone. As the harvested bone graft grows and adheres to the transverse processes, such as between L4 and L5 (lumbar segment 4 and lumbar segment 5), the spinal fusion is achieved and motion at that segment is stopped. Spine surgery instrumentation (medical devices, such as pedicle screws or cages) is sometimes used as an adjunct to obtain a solid fusion.

At the present time, I am waiting to see a neurosurgeon, in hopes he will do what he can to help me. This will make my 4th surgery on my back. I am not looking forward to having another surgery, but I decided that I could not live on morphine for the rest of my life, so I opted for the surgery. I hope to achieve some pain relief, if not total pain relief. I shall keep the page updated as things progress along and if I do get a surgery date, it will be posted too.

Take care my friends,
Kyra